Pinktober has arrived and with it, my annual flurry of getting back on the Wellness Wagon and pushing through the anger, sadness and even a bit of worry my peeps may be tiring of sharing my cancer journey and what's become an annual #MoXieChallenge to #GoBeyondPink every October.

I get it...it's been almost 9 years since I got the worst Christmas "present" ever.  I understand that many, maybe even those closest to me are thinking:  "Why can't she just move on already?" "Hasn't cancer taken enough of your life/my life/our life?!"  "It's unhealthy to dwell on it."  
Truth is:  I would love to move on and not give cancer another thought or another ounce of my life's energy.  Really, wasn't it enough to "give" it my hair, my breasts, my ovaries, my estrogen and much more?!  But here's the thing, cancer continues to be the "gift" that keeps on giving:  

• giving life-long, life-diminishing side effects which can include:  the loss of brain power due to chemo-brain; additional chronic conditions resulting from treatment such as heart disease, osteoporosis, depression, sexual dysfunction, etc. (just read an article yesterday that noted: "women under 46 who had undergone the surgery experienced a higher incidence of 18 chronic conditions and were more likely to have multiple chronic conditions." (Rocca, Mayo Clinic Proceedings); 
• giving the life-long worry of a recurrence -  that soreness, those lumps or some random ache, pain is proof a rogue c cell didn't get eradicated (although I know all that mental mojo conjuring up powerful images of Pac-Man chomping up every c cell plus tons of prayer had to help that chemo do its job); and
• giving more people its life-altering, life-draining & at its worst: life-taking toxicity -- estimated as high as 1 in every 2 of us!  

So, with a bit of fear I'll be tuned out by some, I'm gonna keep sharing, rallying & advocating my peeps to take the #MoXieChallenge to #GoBeyondPink in honor of my Survivor Sistahs who earned their wings too early along with those new in the journey and longer-term Survivors like me just in case there's one woman out there that can be helped.  And in those moments that I falter, I recharge my inspiration thinking of them and the insights of Audre Lorde: 

8 years ago I thought my life was over when I heard the dreaded words "You have breast cancer."  Through Grace, love and support (and a good dose of sheer luck given how many dear friends earned their wings too early), I am blessed to still get to live and find my way from fighting and surviving to thriving.  With a little help from FB, I was able to reflect back on my journey and find a few pics that capture the silver linings:

1.  So fortunate to find the Young Survival Coalition​ early in my Research Ninja neurosis - this meme was created by a YSC Survivor Sistah and continues to inspire me to MoXie Up & on;

2.  No one really lets you know how painful losing your hair to chemo is (feels like a hundred too tight ponytails)-- felt super powerful to channel my inner GI Jane and shave the rest off instead of continuing to wake up and find it all over my pillow.

3.  Third round of chemo -- One Stick Vik-God Love Her!  I started to get a bit cocky...well, Universe checked me with a bit of toilet hugging: having to ask my neighbors to rush my bald, pajama wearing self to the Doctor; extra neupogen shots and bronchitis.  Kept me humble and as much as most of the pics I have from the heat of battle show me smiling, there were plenty physically and emotional exhausting moments as well as funny ones and times when I felt like I was a big pot of emotional gumbo (which btw reminds me of my Grandma and I laughing our butts off when we got lost trying to find Drago's for mine and the TaTa's last support after we got checked in to the ACS Hope Lodge in New Orleans -- ah-mazing how some charbroiled oysters, cold Barq's in a bottle and time with Grandma can take one's mind off major "nip & tuck" scheduled with the angels at the New Orleans Center for Restorative Breast Surgery ;)

4.  Aiden...sweet Aiden.  At my first onc appointment, Dr. Hausdorff asked me about my goals in terms of treatment.  Without a doubt:  get to help Aiden grow up into a wonderful young man  by all means necessary.  Initially, I didn't even want Aiden to hear the word cancer. When it was clear I would be losing my hair to chemo and need surgeries, i realized I needed, wanted to find words and ways to help him make sense of what was happening as much as I did.  This picture captures us taking our very first Survivor Lap at Relay for Life.

5.  TaTa Cakes -- this picture symbolizes so many aspect of my cancer:  loss of modesty after SO many "viewings" at med appts...like a never ending Mardi Gras parade ;) -- perhaps the most special silver lining: fellah Survivor Sistahs, especially the initial Ta Ta Warriors that I got to meet through CHOMP's Breast Cancer Survivor Group.  My irreverent and most thoughtful Marge, my Tickled Pink Poet Molly (R.I.P.), my Zesty Jeanne, sweet Jo...my sweet angel Nurse Joy...meeting Ratna & Nicole.

6.  Ironic how dying gets you to living.  After finishing chemo, surgeries, got to raise over $20,000 with some of my fave Ta Ta Warriors & Bestie Rebecca and experience the 3 Day in San Francisco.  Never knew how motivating cheese sticks and water could be until I set out to walk 60 miles over 3 days.

7.  The Survivor Sisterhood Ratna, Nicole & I were able to foster via Monarch C.A.R.E.S. was so healing, empowering.  Five of our Monarchs - Alyssa, Sonya, Darcie, Karen, Suzana earned their wings too early - all lived so fully and continue to inspire me to not waste a moment. 

8.  What a fabulous experience getting to participate in Love Twelve with Survivor Sistah Tracy Birdsell.  Wrote about this in prior post.

Perhaps the greatest silver lining + blessing I gained since that dreadful Dx is the simple clarity of what matters most:  loving my family, living a purposeful life abundantly.  

Pinktober is here again...surfacing my simmering love-hate, hypocritical relationship with pink.

Why would this breast cancer survivor not LOVE pink? Main reasons:

1.  MISGUIDED FEMINISM:  My misguided younger self made sure my closet was free of it - I disdainfully dismissed the color as a sign of being being "too girly", weak.  Kinda get a chuckle thinking back on how I thought I was being such a bad-ass Feminist by doing so.  Sometimes I miss that naive, idealism ;) but wouldn't trade the greater understanding and confidence I have now on how better to take a stand and bring about more equity and positive change ;) 

2.  DEFYING CANCER:  Once I received my cancer Dx, it seemed everywhere i turned there was a pink ribbon on every other product proclaiming Breast Cancer Awareness -- believe you me, I was darn well aware that breast cancer existed...it was freakin' inside of me trying to kill me.   I swore the operating lights during my first surgery were pink -- was so convinced that my Nurse Angel Joy double checked.  For so long, all those pink ribbons, all that pink, were painful reminders of my mortality, of loss -- loss of hair, loss of breasts, loss of ovaries, loss of fertility, loss of brain power...the potential loss of my life and not getting to Mother my son to adulthood.  

3.  PINKWASHING:  Breast Cancer Action coined the term “pinkwasher” as part of the Think Before You Pink®  campaign.  Pinkwashing and pinkwasher are interchangeable in my cancer dictionary, essentially meaning: Claiming to care about breast cancer by promoting a pink ribbon product but with greater benefit going to a company or organization rather than to Survivors for finding a Cure; and/or at the same time producing, manufacturing and/or selling products that are linked to the disease.  

I still don't LOVE pink but I no longer feel like those sweet, little ole pink ribbons might as well be the Grim Reaper.  I'm learning how to push against pinkwashing while also appreciating the loving intentions of so many who "shop pink" and  the sincere interest in mutually beneficial cause marketing campaigns of some companies, organizations.   Now, I can see value in pink.  

In fact, when I look at all the pink that has made its way into my closet as gifts from family and friends, cancer related fundraisers or outings with fellow Survivors , I see and feel TONS of LOVE, POSITIVITY & RESILIENCY that is getting me OVER & BEYOND MY PINK AVERSION  (mostly): 

• fellow Ta-Ta Warriors, Survivor Sistahs -- those still figuring out how to move from the "new normal" resulting from cancer to creating a better one and those that have earned their wings too early; 
• friends and family -- even those who couldn't bear to come around in my darkest hour unable to cope with my and their own mortality to my Niece Katie who permanently inked her support on her ankle with a darn pink ribbon (grrrl...there were other less painful, expensive and permanent ways of showing you care ;)!; 
• angels on Earth -- the amazing, caring medical experts:  Dr. Alexander, Dr. Hyde, Dr. deFatta, Dr. Roux, Joy Smith,  Viki "One Stick Vic" Doolittle, Dr. Hausdorff, Dr. Sullivan, Dr. Trahan, Dr. DellaCrocce and all the others who provided compassionate medical care; AND 
• the strangers who answered prayer requests for someone they never met.

And to deal with my lingering misgivings about pinktober, pinkwashing,  I've found a way to make all that pink count beyond raising awareness and beyond filling the pockets of companies making bigger profits than a positive difference:  the #MoXieChallenge to #GoBeyond Pink.   

I hope you'll accept and make a gift to the Breast Cancer Assistance Group of Monterey County which provides financial assistance and educational resources to women so they can focus more on fighting cancer and worry less about meeting their basic needs due to the expense of treatment. 

I love the promise of a New Year!  I love being intentional with closing out the current year and envisioning the year ahead.  Here are four my favorite creative ways of doing so — would love to know your faves… share in the comments section below:  

1.  Catch & Release:  Freedom Fishin’ 
Beautiful in its simplicity for all of us having the good fortune to be within reach of the Ocean to inspire our reflection:

•  Visit the beach and go near the water’s edge. 
• “Catch” all  of the year you want to release before heading into the New One and “write” it in the sand;  
• Step back, watch and inhale and exhale with the flow of the waves as your “stuff” is released into the Ocean.  

Grateful to Survivor Sistah Keira who inspired me to give this a go when she shared how cleansing doing something similar was for her.  Looking forward to feeling grit of the sand between my toes and the salty, spray of the Ocean upon my face later today during my “Catch & Release” Freedom Fishin'. 

2.  Burning Bridges: Lighting the Way to Letting Go
One of my most favorite ways I've experienced of ringing in the New Year was at the end 2008, a year that had been consumed with fighting cancer:  tons of tests, needles, surgeries, medicine, etc. that at times seemed worse than the cancer itself.  My Mother-in-Law sent me three small canvas pictures of bridges -- beautiful yet dreary in some ways as they were all gray and filled with fog.  She sent them to me with a note to burn them.  At first, I thought, "No way am I burning this gift.” And then I realized she was sending me one of the greatest gifts of all:  release of my inner baggage weighing me down, zapping my emotional energy.  So...on New Year's Eve, I took a black sharpie and wrote on all three the things I wanted to release and leave behind in 2007.   I set them on fire.  Felt so good...so good in fact, I became a bit concerned that maybe I was lighting my inner pyromaniac —Thinking it's time to burn some bridges, again ;)  And in case you don't happen to have spare bridge art around, a quick google image search is likely to turn up ones you can print and use for this activity (just do it safely ;)  

3.  Letter to Self:  Manifesting Intentions
Although my honey thinks guests at our Annual New Year Open House feel obligated to participate, I think they really enjoy this activity.  All guests, kids and adults alike, receive their own blank notecard and envelope and access to plenty of markers, crayons, pens, etc.   They are encouraged to express their thoughts, wishes, goals, etc. for the New Year on their cards — via words, drawings, whatever creative way they choose.  After doing so, guests seal their notes and address their envelopes.  Near the end of the year, I mail them to the guests and they are provided with an opportunity to reflect upon what intentions they manifested. 

4.  32 Squares:  Adventures, Experiences, Achievements & More!
My dear friend Kathleen introduced this to me nearly 20 years ago when we were planning service learning activities at CSU Monterey Bay.  You’ll need a letter size sheet of blank paper and at least one pen (I encourage you to bring out different colors as well as markers to encourage your creativity).  Fold the paper in half five times and then unfold it.  The folds will create 32 squares.  Think of all the adventures, experience, achievements, etc. you want to have for the year.  As quickly as you can without censoring, write each of your thoughts in a separate square until the page is filled.  On the corresponding square on the back side of the paper, identify the broad category you think captures the initial square. For example, on the front side, you’ve written create a budget in one square, save $1000 in another.  On the back side, you may designate Financial Management or Money as your broad category.  Do this for all your squares.  Review the back side and you’ll notice probably three to five themes emerging.  Organize the things you’ve put on the front side into the themes and now you’ve created a Thrive List of sorts for your New Year.   Perhaps the most significant adventure, experience and achievement I’ve manifested from my “32 Squares” was my lil' guy Aiden :)  

Would love to know if you give any of these a try as well as your faves you’re willing to share — feel free to post in comments below.  

And for reading this far, here’s a bonus:  I love quotes and find much inspiration in them.  This one is definitely fitting for the New Year:  

* I’ve never fancied myself as much of a Writer but I’ve found writing to be deeply cathartic since the beginning of my c journey.  One day, I’ll find the courage to revisit my CaringBridge journal in its entirety.  Until then, I’m picking up my “pen” again to help me move along my journey with grace while hopefully putting forward experiences, insights and resources that resonate with other Survivor Sistahs and help inspire*tickle*heal them along their journeys.  The following post is a “mashup” of posts to Facebook, Bay Area Young Survivors Forum and email exchanges with friends.)

<pre check-up>

Well ..it's that time of year for me :  the nearing of the good ole, anxiety-inducing “OMGoodness, am I gonna get regifted the worst Christmas present ever” cancerversary commemorated with my routine surveillance check-up with my oncologist.

This ain't my first rodeo but experience isn't lessening the anxiety...in some ways, it is heightening it. Fortunately, Dr. Hausdorff has a better "bedside manner" than a bucking, mad bronco ;) I feel the anxiety and fear of c’s return bubbling, ruffling, fraying the edges of my grace despite my effort to keep grounded in my center by focusing on deep gratitude for being six years out from what felt like a definitive death sentence.   I think of all my Sistah Survivors who are in Heaven instead of the waiting room.   I think of how they should have had the lifetime they deserved.   I harness the inspiration of these Angels and Survivor Sistahs still in the heat of the fight.  I am praying for the best and prepared for the worst.   

I welcome all good thoughts, mojo and prayers for NED (no evidence of disease) to stay at the top of my dance card today and tomorrow...and the next day...and the day after that...  

<post check-up>

So completely pleased to share that NED seems to still be at the top of my dance card this year -- as is Tamoxifen for another five if I go with my Dr. H’s recommendation.  He suggested the possibility of switching over to Arimidex but with ostopenia and concerns about full blown osteoporosis, thinking sticking with Tamoxifen is the way to go even though I've been post-menopausal thanks to oophorectomy years ago.   Feeling a bit of irony given that when I was a teenager I felt like a 30 year old trapped in a teenager’s body and now feel like a 40 year old trapped in a 60 year old’s body.  

In addition to being super relieved I get to keep dancing with NED, I am appreciative to have a Doctor that hears and addresses my concerns...which more often than not runs the risk of an Immersion in Hypochondria - One that I trust to be direct and honest in providing the best guidance so I can make informed decisions - One that acknowledges how nerve-wracking it can be to come for a check-up.   

Ridiculously, I am appreciative that I just might get my money’s worth out of my braces (shout out to Dr. Eisinger ;)  Truly, I am determined to continue to reclaim my family’s holiday from c.  Deeply, I am grateful to be alive...grateful for all the care, support and love. Humbly, I commit to continuing to put forward my experience in hopes of helping others as well as myself to MoXie Up & On!

Thank you to everyone who sent positive energy, mojo and prayers my way.  Sending a virtual dance party celebration, many kind sentiments and much love right back atcha!

Fired up knowing the barrage of pink ribbon tschotskes and well intended shows of solidarity (e.g., posting bra color on FB pages) that to me seem like missed opportunities for sharing important information.  I wish the push to raise awareness would inspire more meaningful action (e.g., how to check your breasts for abnormalities, getting that mammo -- yes it feels like your flesh is getting squeezed into a pancake but that's way better than getting put into the ground early, avoiding toxins correlated with cancer, etc.).  

As I take action tonight to put Mariposa MoXie out into the world, I am feeling strong and vulnerable -- not quite sure which has the most traction... both are taking turns going up and down on my emotional see saw; however, right before panic overtakes my wit and has me pull back, I think of the wonderful women taken way before their time -- especially three of the pioneering Monarch CARES Members: Alyssa Sullivan, Sonia McLaren, Darcie Puente as well as Resident Central Coast Tickled Pink Poet Laureate Molly Schaechtele. Drawing upon how powerful and strong they were in LIVING, and even dying, to find my grace in making my way through the tremendous anger, sadness and fear that could've swallowed me whole, I am keeping my commitment to their wonderful spirits to BE BOLD, to LIVE MY PURPOSE & to NOT WASTE A MOMENT. And in community with fellow Survivor Sistahs and other caring people like you all beside me, behind me and leading the way, I CAN DO THIS!  Hope you'll MoXie Up & On with me!